A two-year-old throws themselves on the floor because the cup is the wrong color. Many parents know the moment. In Finnish this stage has its own name, uhmaikä, roughly "the age of defiance". It's when a child notices they're their own person and wants to decide things. Their skills and words don't yet match what they want. That gap turns into tantrums.
When do tantrums start and how long do they last?
The tantrum phase often starts around age two. It's usually at its most intense at two and three, and many four-year-olds still have tantrums. Every child is different: for some the phase is short and quiet, for others long and loud. Both are normal.
What is a tantrum telling you?
A child doesn't have a tantrum to annoy you. A tantrum usually means something is too much: being tired, hungry, rushed or disappointed. When a child doesn't get what they want, they can't yet handle the disappointment with words. That takes an adult's help.
During a tantrum, a child doesn't listen to reasons. A long explanation goes right past them. A short sentence and a calm voice work better.
What to say during a tantrum?
Name the feeling and stay close. For example: "You're upset that the game ended. I'm right here." Hold the limit, but don't argue. When the tantrum eases, a child often needs a hug. You can talk about it later, if there's a need.
Six tricky everyday moments
Getting dressed. Give two choices: "Blue hat or red hat?" Your child gets to decide, and the hat goes on either way.
At the checkout. Before you go into the store, say what you're buying. "Today we're getting milk and bread, no candy." Your child can carry the bread or put things on the belt.
Leaving. Warn ahead of time: "We're leaving in five minutes." For a young child, you can show the time with a kitchen timer.
At the table. Your child decides how much to eat of what's served. The adult decides what's served. A fight over a clean plate is rarely worth it.
Brushing teeth. Make it a game: the toothbrush is a car that drives past every tooth. Or let your child brush a stuffed animal's teeth first.
Bedtime. The same order every night helps: evening snack, washing up, pajamas, a story and lights out. When a child knows what comes next, you don't have to battle over every step. Pictures of the evening steps help a young child: Morning and bedtime routine chart in pictures
How does the adult cope?
Tantrums test adults too. Nobody stays calm every time. If you raise your voice, apologize and carry on. Your child learns from that too: how to make up after an argument.
Take turns with another adult when you can. A day when lots went wrong doesn't make anyone a bad parent.
When to ask the child health clinic?
If tantrums are very intense, go on well into school age or worry you in some other way, ask at your child health clinic (neuvola in Finland). They know this stage well, and you'll get support for your own situation.
For parents
Ayaka is a Finnish multivitamin for children over 3. Your child decorates their own jar, so the vitamin moment becomes their own thing. A refill comes through the letterbox once a month. See the starter pack
